How is it that you can be home sick for a place that is not your home? Its’ been 5 days now that I have been back in the states and I’m feeling like I have lost a part of myself. It’s a very confusing feeling to have. Everything around you is moving at its normal pace and nothing has really changed. Inside in my heart or spirit I feel unrest like I have left something behind that completes my being. Its almost like I’m watching a movie play out in front of my eyes. It’s weird. I have been on 4 mission trips now and never before have I felt like this. It’s the usually the disappointment of the way I have not managed God resource as well as I should have. It’s not even the “oh I can’t wait to go and help more people with their physical needs”. It’s deeper than all these things. This is not even a longing to be in Honduras. (Though I would like that) This is a deeper thirst I think it is a deeper level of being with God .
This past year on this trip I struggled through out the week feeling like I didn’t have a place. I didn’t fit in with the team and if I did I didn’t really see it.
Before we came on the trip I had been battling with a feeling that of being anxious. I thought it was about the money that we needed to raise for the trip. I knew we needed to pay the Ministry that we were going with before we came. We still owed less than half the money. Our mission ministry at our church heard of the struggle and floated a loan that we need to pay back. This made the trip possible. Still I had this feeling. I thought it must still be the debt. I told myself when we get to Honduras it will go away I will be focused at the task at hand. Well it didn’t.
Then the confirmation that I needed to preach on Sunday night came. I thought wow I’m really going to preach here. How cool is that! It never occurred to me that the anxious feeling might be something trying to distract me from the message I was to deliver. After I preached it was really cool the feeling had left me. Why? Well, I know why and some of you do too.
I thought okay, that is over but then this feeling of not belonging hit me. So I did what I thought was best. I know when God tells you to do something you need to do it so that was the attitude I had all week. I was doing whatever I could to bring God glory. Weather its moving boxes, crowd control or twisting balloons.
Late in the week it really was made clear this week was not about me serving the needy of feeding hungry. This was about time I needed to spend with God. He took me out of the country to a place where he could have my undivided attention to spend time with me.
Looking back I see that God made sure that I was not alone in this walk but really gave me a brother to sit with me and share with me in this time of growing closer to Him. You see my friend Johnny that I have talked about was with me most of the week. Yes I had my wife and kids too. But this was different and even Chrissy recognized this. Johnny speaks a few words of English and I only a few Spanish words. So when we were together the conversation was not deep to the normal on looker perhaps it was comical to watch us. But we would sit in the hotel lobby or on the bus silent. Once in while I would hear John say thank you Jesus or I love you Jesus. Johnny knew how to live a life that God was in every second of his day. In this time God was teaching me how to be still and know that he is God. It seems whacked to me but to God I know its not 1Corinthians 1:27. Johnny knew how to do this.
So now that I have had time to process some of what I experience. I can confidently say that this home sick feeling is not for Honduras but that of being with my God. So there is only one remedy for that and that is to make more time for God in my life a lesson that is not easily to put into practice. This is more than a devotion time it’s more of a way of life. Yielding my will to His.
As a minister I may know how to do ministry but it’s another thing for God to use you to minister.
I have my pics from Honduras now linked to this blog.
I hope you will be home sick too!