turn away from God’s love for them.”
How is it that you can be home sick for a place that is not your home? Its’ been 5 days now that I have been back in the states and I’m feeling like I have lost a part of myself. It’s a very confusing feeling to have. Everything around you is moving at its normal pace and nothing has really changed. Inside in my heart or spirit I feel unrest like I have left something behind that completes my being. Its almost like I’m watching a movie play out in front of my eyes. It’s weird. I have been on 4 mission trips now and never before have I felt like this. It’s the usually the disappointment of the way I have not managed God resource as well as I should have. It’s not even the “oh I can’t wait to go and help more people with their physical needs”. It’s deeper than all these things. This is not even a longing to be in Honduras. (Though I would like that) This is a deeper thirst I think it is a deeper level of being with God .
This past year on this trip I struggled through out the week feeling like I didn’t have a place. I didn’t fit in with the team and if I did I didn’t really see it.
Before we came on the trip I had been battling with a feeling that of being anxious. I thought it was about the money that we needed to raise for the trip. I knew we needed to pay the Ministry that we were going with before we came. We still owed less than half the money. Our mission ministry at our church heard of the struggle and floated a loan that we need to pay back. This made the trip possible. Still I had this feeling. I thought it must still be the debt. I told myself when we get to Honduras it will go away I will be focused at the task at hand. Well it didn’t.
Then the confirmation that I needed to preach on Sunday night came. I thought wow I’m really going to preach here. How cool is that! It never occurred to me that the anxious feeling might be something trying to distract me from the message I was to deliver. After I preached it was really cool the feeling had left me. Why? Well, I know why and some of you do too.
I thought okay, that is over but then this feeling of not belonging hit me. So I did what I thought was best. I know when God tells you to do something you need to do it so that was the attitude I had all week. I was doing whatever I could to bring God glory. Weather its moving boxes, crowd control or twisting balloons.
Late in the week it really was made clear this week was not about me serving the needy of feeding hungry. This was about time I needed to spend with God. He took me out of the country to a place where he could have my undivided attention to spend time with me.
Looking back I see that God made sure that I was not alone in this walk but really gave me a brother to sit with me and share with me in this time of growing closer to Him. You see my friend Johnny that I have talked about was with me most of the week. Yes I had my wife and kids too. But this was different and even Chrissy recognized this. Johnny speaks a few words of English and I only a few Spanish words. So when we were together the conversation was not deep to the normal on looker perhaps it was comical to watch us. But we would sit in the hotel lobby or on the bus silent. Once in while I would hear John say thank you Jesus or I love you Jesus. Johnny knew how to live a life that God was in every second of his day. In this time God was teaching me how to be still and know that he is God. It seems whacked to me but to God I know its not 1Corinthians 1:27. Johnny knew how to do this.
So now that I have had time to process some of what I experience. I can confidently say that this home sick feeling is not for Honduras but that of being with my God. So there is only one remedy for that and that is to make more time for God in my life a lesson that is not easily to put into practice. This is more than a devotion time it’s more of a way of life. Yielding my will to His.
As a minister I may know how to do ministry but it’s another thing for God to use you to minister.
I have my pics from Honduras now linked to this blog.
I hope you will be home sick too!
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We did our home visits and it was very cool. The guy that was at the house we went to had baby toucans one decides to fly into Ben he freaked! But we have it all on video. I will be posting it to youtube very soon. I very tired and need to get rest. Tomorrow we meet our Compassion International children and spend the day with them shod be Great! Can’t believe the week is almost over though it went way to fast. Check our the pics more will be coming soon.
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Day 6 has been very hard. Today we made a trip to the mountains this was just amazing. We loaded all the boxes and giveaways into 4×4 trucks and piles everyone in to the other trucks and up the mountain we went. The ride up was bumpy to say the least the rain had cut huge ruts in the road. As we traveled up the steep inclines the view was spectacular. We tried not to look over the side of the road because it was a huge drop. When we reached the distribution we were almost to the top. We got out of the trucks and started to mingle with the people they were so friendly and happy to have us there. The distribution was at a small two-room school. The kids couldn’t wait to get out to us. When they did we were mobbed. As I was handing out the bracelets I had I looked over at Chrissy and the kids were all around her with their hands out for the little toys and jewelry she had. The kids don’t get things like this so this it a huge deal. After we had our service and unloaded the trucks I went outside the gate to do balloons. I’m so glad I learned the word for line up! They lined up and waited patiently for their balloons. Ben brought out the evengiball and they had Obi one of the translators come out so I could tell the gospel message to people who were not in for the service. There were to boys about 13 who made commitments. I gave the ball to Ben and they were off to play soccer as I went back to making animals. When everything was over I was called into the fenced area for lunch. It is so very hard to eat a sandwich when people who you know have not eaten or have little food in their homes are pressed against a locked fence watching you eat. Chrissy and I couldn’t do it. I found Chrissy over by the fence talking to a lady who didn’t get a food box. Just as I was going to call to her she got Angelica then she went to Denny. She ran over to the packed up suitcases and emptied one with a small amount of clothes. I asked what she was doing? She said I’m giving this away to someone who needs it. Some of the group didn’t understand what she was doing. They were a bit short with her because of empting a suitcase. They had already sorted and had ready to go back to the warehouse they didn’t realize the God moment that was happening. She took the empty suitcase and handed it over the fence to the woman she had been talking with while everyone else was eating. The woman’s face lit up with a huge smile Marney said wait I need a picture this was my son’s suitcase. I think she was happy to give it away. After that Chrissy tried to fix her small mess by neatly folding the close and placing them in a suitcase that had similar clothes in it. Only to be told that was the wrong one to put them in and there was nothing to use now. Someone found a box and said here. I’m so amazed Chrissy kept her composure very well though she was extremely upset that people missed what took place. I took her to a privet place and we talked as we sat. We were greeted by Susanna who was beautiful we talked and held her until it was time to move on.
Next our family went on a home visit we were the last group to go out. The home we had was the furthest up the mountain it was very small just a bit bigger then one of our shed in out yard. Three people lived here. They were very poor they had absolutely nothing. They had come to the church for a while but stopped. They were not Christians. We had a hard time communicating with them Chrissy knows some Spanish but not enough. The same was with Griffin who was sent to translate. They did their best. Chrissy and Tori ended up giving their shoes to the family. A lot happened so I will write more later but for now I have to go.
My pain seems to have gone thank you for your prayers! God is so good!